Friday, August 15, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Wish I were a Dog
Have you ever been called a "dog"?
If you are like any normal person, you probably have, right?
Here in the USA the term which starts with b*** means a female dog and it is used derogatively. Unless of course you are using it in the "double negative" figure of speech which means it is a appreciative word. Like when you say "Payback's a b****". Here, the b word is used to mean something good. Or like when you say, "that car is so phat"....you dont mean fat as in bad. But you mean "phat" as in good.
Reminds me of a friend of mine who when he was called a "b***h", turned around and said, "incorrect english, wrong gender, I am a man so please call me dog instead".
And of course in countires like India, "dog" has always been used in a derogative way. Like "nhaai" in Tamil (any Chennaite worth his salt would attest to having used this word or having been called it at some point in his life). Or if you are from the northern part of India, you probably have sat through a movie or four, where the hero calls the villain "kuttheyyy kamineeey...".
Anyway I digress.
But the next time you get called a dog, maybe its a good thing. Coz, theres never been a better time in the history of the world than now, to be a dog.
Ask "Trouble". She is Leona Helmsley's dog and her net worth is around 12 million dollars. The only way I will ever own that much money is if I win the New York Mega Millions jackpot (which is a 1 in 180 million odds, so I aint holding my breath).
You might say - Oh but thats just one of the few lucky dogs. And you would be wrong. Helmsley has also left a major part of her 20 billion dollar estate to the care of dogs around the world. If you were a dog, how much would you need to keep you happy? A bone here, a cat or rabbit there, a mailman once in a while to chase, a daily evening walk to look at the ladies (ahem...the b***hes), and a good lamp-post to pee on - and thats it - you are probably a happy camper. What in the world do you need a billion dollars for?
And this is a good time to be a dog even if you were in a dog-eating third world country such as China. China has officially banned all dog meats and taken dog related items off the dinner table at restaurants. They have done this in order to not offend Western tourists who would be thronging their country to see the Olympics 2008. Wow! It is true that every dog indeed does have its day!
Now, dont you agree - the next time someone calls you a "nhaai" or a "b***h" you can turn around and say, "well, so kind of you sir, thank you and wish you the same!".
If you are like any normal person, you probably have, right?
Here in the USA the term which starts with b*** means a female dog and it is used derogatively. Unless of course you are using it in the "double negative" figure of speech which means it is a appreciative word. Like when you say "Payback's a b****". Here, the b word is used to mean something good. Or like when you say, "that car is so phat"....you dont mean fat as in bad. But you mean "phat" as in good.
Reminds me of a friend of mine who when he was called a "b***h", turned around and said, "incorrect english, wrong gender, I am a man so please call me dog instead".
And of course in countires like India, "dog" has always been used in a derogative way. Like "nhaai" in Tamil (any Chennaite worth his salt would attest to having used this word or having been called it at some point in his life). Or if you are from the northern part of India, you probably have sat through a movie or four, where the hero calls the villain "kuttheyyy kamineeey...".
Anyway I digress.
But the next time you get called a dog, maybe its a good thing. Coz, theres never been a better time in the history of the world than now, to be a dog.
Ask "Trouble". She is Leona Helmsley's dog and her net worth is around 12 million dollars. The only way I will ever own that much money is if I win the New York Mega Millions jackpot (which is a 1 in 180 million odds, so I aint holding my breath).
You might say - Oh but thats just one of the few lucky dogs. And you would be wrong. Helmsley has also left a major part of her 20 billion dollar estate to the care of dogs around the world. If you were a dog, how much would you need to keep you happy? A bone here, a cat or rabbit there, a mailman once in a while to chase, a daily evening walk to look at the ladies (ahem...the b***hes), and a good lamp-post to pee on - and thats it - you are probably a happy camper. What in the world do you need a billion dollars for?
And this is a good time to be a dog even if you were in a dog-eating third world country such as China. China has officially banned all dog meats and taken dog related items off the dinner table at restaurants. They have done this in order to not offend Western tourists who would be thronging their country to see the Olympics 2008. Wow! It is true that every dog indeed does have its day!
Now, dont you agree - the next time someone calls you a "nhaai" or a "b***h" you can turn around and say, "well, so kind of you sir, thank you and wish you the same!".
Friday, July 25, 2008
Tom, Dick and Harry
Have you ever wondered why names are so boring?
Why is every other person you meet a John or a Mike or a Nancy or Lisa?
In 6000 or so years of existence why have we been so consistently boring when it comes to choosing names? What will it take to break the trend....and whos gonna start it?
How about this gentleman from Chicago who went to court to legally change his name to "In God We Trust". The court granted his request. His first name is now "In God" and his last name is "We Trust". I say, "way to go dude....10 points for creativity".
How about George in Sienfeld - he wants to name his baby "Seven". And when one of his friends steals the name, he tries to convince the couple to change the name to something else like "Soda". Nice one, Larry David (now, hows that for a name - it sounds like it has two first names doesnt it. I personally dont care for it. I mean make up your mind dude, are you Larry or are you David.).
Or how about addressing people with the last four of their SSN numbers? "Hey 5678, how goes it?". "Not bad, 6789. How are your kids 8970 and 7890?"
Or we could use the unique identifier from their network account AWEBER, XSTEPHEN etc (I know, its gross.....spoken like a true nerd).
Lets have a bit of fun here....
Sample some fictitious news articles where we rename some prominent personalities....
Sachin Tendulkar:
India once again lost the finals of a major torunament. A lot of expectations were placed on the great batsman Mr. "In Finals, I Fail". The master blaster played a wonderful innings and smashed the ball to all parts of the cricket ground in his score of 3. But to no avail, India still lost.
George Bush:
When asked about global warming, the US President Mr. "If Its Complex, Dont Explain" stated that it is a serious crisis and that, in order to solve the problem, he is ordering an immediate increase in the production of high wattage air conditioners in the US.
Roger Federer:
Commenting on his loss after the thrilling five setter at the 2008 Wimbledon, Mr. "If Its Wimbledon, Please Allow me to Win" felt that Nadal was serving too fast. There should be a rule regarding how fast you are allowed to serve in the finals of a major Grand Slam such as Wimbledon. Coz, you know, its not fair to the slower servers. Especially, with the rain and all.
You get the picture.
But I suppose if you are a new parent you dont want to get too creative. Else, you might end up getting sued by your own kid, a few years down the road.
Just ask the parents of "Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii". Yes, those words in quotes constitute the name of a child in New Zealand who is now 9 years old. What an awesome name, right? Very creative and catchy. The kid herself does not seem to agree though. She sued her parents and got the court to legally change her name.
Kids these days...tsk tsk. They seem to think they know it all.
Why is every other person you meet a John or a Mike or a Nancy or Lisa?
In 6000 or so years of existence why have we been so consistently boring when it comes to choosing names? What will it take to break the trend....and whos gonna start it?
How about this gentleman from Chicago who went to court to legally change his name to "In God We Trust". The court granted his request. His first name is now "In God" and his last name is "We Trust". I say, "way to go dude....10 points for creativity".
How about George in Sienfeld - he wants to name his baby "Seven". And when one of his friends steals the name, he tries to convince the couple to change the name to something else like "Soda". Nice one, Larry David (now, hows that for a name - it sounds like it has two first names doesnt it. I personally dont care for it. I mean make up your mind dude, are you Larry or are you David.).
Or how about addressing people with the last four of their SSN numbers? "Hey 5678, how goes it?". "Not bad, 6789. How are your kids 8970 and 7890?"
Or we could use the unique identifier from their network account AWEBER, XSTEPHEN etc (I know, its gross.....spoken like a true nerd).
Lets have a bit of fun here....
Sample some fictitious news articles where we rename some prominent personalities....
Sachin Tendulkar:
India once again lost the finals of a major torunament. A lot of expectations were placed on the great batsman Mr. "In Finals, I Fail". The master blaster played a wonderful innings and smashed the ball to all parts of the cricket ground in his score of 3. But to no avail, India still lost.
George Bush:
When asked about global warming, the US President Mr. "If Its Complex, Dont Explain" stated that it is a serious crisis and that, in order to solve the problem, he is ordering an immediate increase in the production of high wattage air conditioners in the US.
Roger Federer:
Commenting on his loss after the thrilling five setter at the 2008 Wimbledon, Mr. "If Its Wimbledon, Please Allow me to Win" felt that Nadal was serving too fast. There should be a rule regarding how fast you are allowed to serve in the finals of a major Grand Slam such as Wimbledon. Coz, you know, its not fair to the slower servers. Especially, with the rain and all.
You get the picture.
But I suppose if you are a new parent you dont want to get too creative. Else, you might end up getting sued by your own kid, a few years down the road.
Just ask the parents of "Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii". Yes, those words in quotes constitute the name of a child in New Zealand who is now 9 years old. What an awesome name, right? Very creative and catchy. The kid herself does not seem to agree though. She sued her parents and got the court to legally change her name.
Kids these days...tsk tsk. They seem to think they know it all.
Kudos to Consistency
Southwest flight 2709 gets the prize this month for consistency.
This flight, operating between Houston and San Diego has been 100% late. Can you believe it? Always late.
In Southwest's defense, nobody could accuse them of being "erratic" or "inconsistent" or even "unreliable". They are reliably late!
This flight, operating between Houston and San Diego has been 100% late. Can you believe it? Always late.
In Southwest's defense, nobody could accuse them of being "erratic" or "inconsistent" or even "unreliable". They are reliably late!
Saturday, July 19, 2008
The Epitome of Chic
Yes, those were my first thoughts when I first saw her - the epitome of chic. Dressed in a deep red and sporting sunshades, I thought she was the cutest thing I had ever seen. And yes, she was most definitely the first love affair I had ever had. A love affair my wife, to date, does not know about - so, in some ways this piece is a confessional.
Sometimes people have asked me why I delayed getting married to my wife for so long. Was it because I had a secret love affair? I always vehemently denied it. I denied it partly because it was not true and partly because, well, I had to. The politically correct thing to do in such situations is to always issue a denial. Ask the celebrities - they will tell you the same thing - deny, deny, deny...even if you are being asked about a person you are gonna marry next week in Las Vegas....deny! Even if this person you are being asked about is, at this very moment, hiding in the trunk of your Mercedes ML 320....deny! Even if this person, as we speak, is cooking you a hot vegetable lasagna in your newly refurbished kitchen.....deny!
Likewise, my answer to these so called well-wishers, was always the same. "...love affair? Are you crazy? Hahahah....!" Right, a denial. Did those well-wishers have a valid point though? You read this piece and you be the judge of it.
I was just 24 at that time. Naive, easily influenced by good looks. It was pretty much love at first sight. For a long time, I had searched high and low, near and far, hither and thither, under and yonder, but to no avail. This is what young guys dream of right from the time they are in high school. They dream of this day, they rehearse it, they try to plan how they would react and how they would pretend to be "oh so cool". And here I was - this was my day - I was staring at my dream in front of me....and I was staring right into her foggy eyes.
At that time, she was with somebody else and I had to engage in a prolonged period of courtship and negotiation before she was finally mine.
We have been through a lot together. Many fun times and some not so fun times.
The trip to Pittsburgh comes to mind. I decided kind of late that we would be going there. We started hurriedly at 11 AM. I have never known her to complain about anything and she duly obliged. It was a 5-6 hour drive from Cincinnati and we spent a lot of quality time together - just the two of us and of course plenty of cassettes of the latest music albums. We just soaked up the pleasure of each other's company, me in her control and she in mine. It was beautiful.
When my parents came to meet me in 1998, they got to meet her as well. My mom was pretty happy with my choice. My dad felt I could have waited and gone for a more glamorous choice. But he was happy too. She had passed the litmus test!
The best part about her is that she never makes unreasonable demands of me - shes such a good girl and very low maintenance. I know I can count on her - day in and day out. She's Asian. Not like her glamorous high maintenance American counterparts who give less and demand a lot. Oh yes, I have had some experience with those as well and those times were not pretty. No siree Bob.
I dont want to get too much into the details, but I know exactly how to handle her. When I am working her over, I can feel her body heat rising, much like the heat of magma which is latent inside a volcano. Oh yes, I am pretty skilled in knowing how exactly to push her buttons to make her purr. And purr she does, much like a well oiled piece of machinery.
Much like a 1996 Toyota Tercel would. Oh, did I mention....my Tercel is a red color.
Sometimes people have asked me why I delayed getting married to my wife for so long. Was it because I had a secret love affair? I always vehemently denied it. I denied it partly because it was not true and partly because, well, I had to. The politically correct thing to do in such situations is to always issue a denial. Ask the celebrities - they will tell you the same thing - deny, deny, deny...even if you are being asked about a person you are gonna marry next week in Las Vegas....deny! Even if this person you are being asked about is, at this very moment, hiding in the trunk of your Mercedes ML 320....deny! Even if this person, as we speak, is cooking you a hot vegetable lasagna in your newly refurbished kitchen.....deny!
Likewise, my answer to these so called well-wishers, was always the same. "...love affair? Are you crazy? Hahahah....!" Right, a denial. Did those well-wishers have a valid point though? You read this piece and you be the judge of it.
I was just 24 at that time. Naive, easily influenced by good looks. It was pretty much love at first sight. For a long time, I had searched high and low, near and far, hither and thither, under and yonder, but to no avail. This is what young guys dream of right from the time they are in high school. They dream of this day, they rehearse it, they try to plan how they would react and how they would pretend to be "oh so cool". And here I was - this was my day - I was staring at my dream in front of me....and I was staring right into her foggy eyes.
At that time, she was with somebody else and I had to engage in a prolonged period of courtship and negotiation before she was finally mine.
We have been through a lot together. Many fun times and some not so fun times.
The trip to Pittsburgh comes to mind. I decided kind of late that we would be going there. We started hurriedly at 11 AM. I have never known her to complain about anything and she duly obliged. It was a 5-6 hour drive from Cincinnati and we spent a lot of quality time together - just the two of us and of course plenty of cassettes of the latest music albums. We just soaked up the pleasure of each other's company, me in her control and she in mine. It was beautiful.
When my parents came to meet me in 1998, they got to meet her as well. My mom was pretty happy with my choice. My dad felt I could have waited and gone for a more glamorous choice. But he was happy too. She had passed the litmus test!
The best part about her is that she never makes unreasonable demands of me - shes such a good girl and very low maintenance. I know I can count on her - day in and day out. She's Asian. Not like her glamorous high maintenance American counterparts who give less and demand a lot. Oh yes, I have had some experience with those as well and those times were not pretty. No siree Bob.
I dont want to get too much into the details, but I know exactly how to handle her. When I am working her over, I can feel her body heat rising, much like the heat of magma which is latent inside a volcano. Oh yes, I am pretty skilled in knowing how exactly to push her buttons to make her purr. And purr she does, much like a well oiled piece of machinery.
Much like a 1996 Toyota Tercel would. Oh, did I mention....my Tercel is a red color.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Its raining speeding tickets
Yes, I got a ticket in the long weekend.
I and my family had been to Pittsburgh which is around 8 hours away by road. The main purpose of the trip was so my wife and my mom-in-law could visit the Venkatachalapathy temple in Penn Hills. So, in that sense, the trip was successful and we had an excellent time at the temple.
On the way back on July 4, we were making excellent time on the road and we were hoping to reach home an hour earlier than expected (around 1 AM). The roads were completely empty and I was doing 90 on 65 mph limit stretches. I mentioned to my wife that she should warn me if she sees any cop cars. She pulled my leg saying that she would warn me soon after the cop finsihed clocking me on his radar. Lo and behold.....five minutes later, I get pulled over by this cop who clocked me doing 87. Too bad I was the first car on that stretch of road coz there were like 5 or 6 cars right behind me all travelling at the same speed.
So, after a long lecture, I got a ticket for around $170.....ouch!
And after that incident I slowed down and started following the speed limits precisely. An unwanted side-effect of this was that our new estimated time of arrival kept slipping....1:30 AM....1:45 AM...2:00 AM...etc.
The worst part was that around 1 AM it started raining cats and dogs. I have never been outside in such heavy rain in my entire life, leave alone driving a car. My speed which had dropped to the 60s from the 90s due to the speeding ticket, had now dropped to the 20s due to the rain and poor visibility. Many of the roads were getting flooded and even my brand new all-wheel-drive Sport Utility Vehicle was having a hard time with control.
After around half hour of painstaking driving, we were disappointed once again to see a cop car, this time blocking the road in front of us. I took my umbrella out and stepped out to talk with the officer to ask him what was going on. He explained that the road ahead was too treacherous and that I would not be allowed to go further. When I asked him for directions, he just shrugged his shoulders and yelled for me to go back. We figured he had probably been pulled away from his Krispy Creme donuts and Budweiser beer at his warm & dry office desk to be in such a foul mood....
Anyway, thanks to this little invention called the GPS, we were able to take a long winded diversion and find our way back home.
It was 3 AM before we finally reached home. All of us were so very wet, tired and sleepy. I dried myself and quickly brewed a steaming hot cup of Folgers coffee before retiring for the night.
It had been an eventful, productive and fun fourth.
I and my family had been to Pittsburgh which is around 8 hours away by road. The main purpose of the trip was so my wife and my mom-in-law could visit the Venkatachalapathy temple in Penn Hills. So, in that sense, the trip was successful and we had an excellent time at the temple.
On the way back on July 4, we were making excellent time on the road and we were hoping to reach home an hour earlier than expected (around 1 AM). The roads were completely empty and I was doing 90 on 65 mph limit stretches. I mentioned to my wife that she should warn me if she sees any cop cars. She pulled my leg saying that she would warn me soon after the cop finsihed clocking me on his radar. Lo and behold.....five minutes later, I get pulled over by this cop who clocked me doing 87. Too bad I was the first car on that stretch of road coz there were like 5 or 6 cars right behind me all travelling at the same speed.
So, after a long lecture, I got a ticket for around $170.....ouch!
And after that incident I slowed down and started following the speed limits precisely. An unwanted side-effect of this was that our new estimated time of arrival kept slipping....1:30 AM....1:45 AM...2:00 AM...etc.
The worst part was that around 1 AM it started raining cats and dogs. I have never been outside in such heavy rain in my entire life, leave alone driving a car. My speed which had dropped to the 60s from the 90s due to the speeding ticket, had now dropped to the 20s due to the rain and poor visibility. Many of the roads were getting flooded and even my brand new all-wheel-drive Sport Utility Vehicle was having a hard time with control.
After around half hour of painstaking driving, we were disappointed once again to see a cop car, this time blocking the road in front of us. I took my umbrella out and stepped out to talk with the officer to ask him what was going on. He explained that the road ahead was too treacherous and that I would not be allowed to go further. When I asked him for directions, he just shrugged his shoulders and yelled for me to go back. We figured he had probably been pulled away from his Krispy Creme donuts and Budweiser beer at his warm & dry office desk to be in such a foul mood....
Anyway, thanks to this little invention called the GPS, we were able to take a long winded diversion and find our way back home.
It was 3 AM before we finally reached home. All of us were so very wet, tired and sleepy. I dried myself and quickly brewed a steaming hot cup of Folgers coffee before retiring for the night.
It had been an eventful, productive and fun fourth.
What Price, A Gold Medal
Well, what price would you pay to get a gold medal in the biggest stage of all - the Olympics?
A million? A billion?
If you are an athlete in China, your answer might be "my retina for two golds" or "my heart for a silver" or "my backbone for a bronze".
Such is the dedication of many Chinese athletes that they take great personal risks to attain the ultimate sporting glory.
Read this for more details....
http://www.iht.com/articles/2008/06/20/asia/20olympics.php
Is it any wonder then that China provides some of the stiffest competition to USA, Australia, Russia, Germany and the other top sporting countries in many events at the Olympics?
A million? A billion?
If you are an athlete in China, your answer might be "my retina for two golds" or "my heart for a silver" or "my backbone for a bronze".
Such is the dedication of many Chinese athletes that they take great personal risks to attain the ultimate sporting glory.
Read this for more details....
http://www.iht.com/articles/2008/06/20/asia/20olympics.php
Is it any wonder then that China provides some of the stiffest competition to USA, Australia, Russia, Germany and the other top sporting countries in many events at the Olympics?
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